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Disengagement

by koleżanka

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1.
drove myself to the hospital at 3am told myself I wouldn’t call you at 3am ever again I don’t like to relay race just to watch others win watched myself sit alone, vomit into the nearest trash can drove myself home from the bar at 3am promised myself I wouldn’t call you at 3am ever again I was doing just fine until she touched my hand saw myself say I’d be right back and leave as fast as I can I want to be your girls in photos I want to be the man in your clothes I want to be your fondest memory I want for you to just forget me There should be something more than this “Lessons learned”, what did I miss?
2.
3.
I think you’re a liar I think I’m a liar too safety is a heavy sword to wield for those like me and you wide awake while others are sleeping wish on me in our hours of make believe I was the golden key, unlock your safe of suffering and anything is everything when you believe you’re in a dream I don’t want to hear about the new ones coming to your house isn’t it some shit how hard it is to meet a stranger now I’m broke if experience is currency I freeze every time they touch me I don’t want to be the golden key I don’t want to be anything I think I’m tired I think you are tired too
4.
Sink into the evening Slip in closer to me Cause I know what this Hands under the table Watching like my body’s not my own Cause I know what this I only know how to be in love I only know how to be so wholly involved Is this what you’re used to Feeling so unused to Wondering what you can do And wondering if I’d like it, too Catch me on a good night Catch me when it feels right When we know what this is Solitary investment Solitude is shared best when When we know what this is What is a place and what is a home Live in my suitcase i don’t belong to anyone Is this what I’m used to Feeling so unused to Wondering what I can do Wondering if you like me, too
5.
6.
Quiet 04:57
Can’t say I’m unhappy Then again I can’t say I’m not Barstool philosopher would like a seat At the table (Internal dialogue) Demoted From the “long haul” To convenient fuck But I guess I said it’s fine I miss Catching your eyes Across a crowded room And my mind would quiet Sign me up for disengagement I am fine now I know all my roles but I forgot my lines Sing me up for disillusion I’m alright now I forgot the way But I still tread for miles Scream it so I hear it Fists against my dashboard Slam the door now Speak to me so softly Somewhere far away where high tides drown us
7.
Low Power 03:38
Pick up the proverbial penny from the ground One more step and I would have missed it’s round Promise of luck entirely Lucky Is to apathy As chance Is to the lazy dreamer I’m dreaming Of all the stories between All of the ships of you All of the ships of me
8.
Conference time Queue my lines Just tell me how many words I’m allotted for statements Cause I know that we’re always running on your time Try to stay calm When my minds been teetering against the edge And I’m losing my balance between all the lines that you’ve drawn Forget my pretense I am agency running wild on the stage of this fluff performance And I’m all rage Oh, behave She is so poised they say They say so many things after she walked away They say so many things Practice grace for the inverted self in the mirror What muscles are used to be forceful with words To be wise in demeanor I lose my breath Everytime I remember The walls And your eyes And your fists An the way that Substance Is forgotten I am resilience hanging from rungs of a ladder That only seem to go high High High

credits

released September 16, 2018

All songs written and performed by koleżanka
Tracks 1,3,4,7,8 recorded by Ark Calkins
Tracks 2,5,6 recorded and mixed by Kristina Moore
Tracks 1,3,4 mixed by Eamon Ford
Tracks 7,8 mixed by Ark Calkins
Cover art by Emily Lewis

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koleżanka Brooklyn, New York

koleżanka is Kristina Moore

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